DON’T BOX ME IN
how identities can coexist
ALVIN KUANG
chinese american
Alvin Kuang: Asian American. But what does this mean? Alvin defines his Asian American identity as straddling the line between the strengths of both Eastern and Western cultures. However, finding a unique balance between two cultures presents unique difficulties. Growing up as a child of immigrants from China and Vietnam, Alvin developed his identity from a foundation of strong cultural roots, combined with the intersection of his cultural and sexual identity through a more Western lens and mindset. He continues to draw strength from his formative journey and the coexisting identities he proudly calls home.
Q: What would you say is the biggest misconception about your story and identity?
A: The biggest misconception is the belief that there is only one type of personality that someone who is gay and Asian can have. There is a common stereotype that every person who identifies as this is more focused on partying and the superficial aspects of life. There’s a negative connotation because it involves the culture of hard drugs in the gay community in addition to a lot of cattiness. I would even go so far as to say that there’s an image Asian American gay men are expected to live up to that involves self-hate. Some men downplay their Asian American identity for the sake of belonging to this greater gay community that tends to be more centered around the white experience.
I've really grappled with this over time as I've been trying to figure out my own identity, and how I fit under the term that we use to reference ourselves: “Gaysian,” a combination of the two words, “Gay” and “Asian.” That's the biggest thing that I've been dealing with in terms of discovering myself and understanding my identity. I'm still working on it, but I have a lot more information now than I did when I was first coming into my sexuality.
Q: Tell us more about the familial and cultural foundation you were born into. Where did you grow up and where are your parents from?
A: My parents immigrated to the U.S. when they were teenagers. It was really hard for them to adjust to a new culture. They are more Americanized than some of my friends’ parents because they came here at such a young age. My mom grew up in Vietnam, but her family is originally from China. So ethnically, she is Chinese. During the Vietnam war, she escaped on a boat with her family to the Hong Kong refugee camps. She and her family were able to get sponsored by her mom's friends here in San Francisco. My dad is from the southwestern part of China. My dad and his mom, my grandma, were sponsored to come to America from China by his sister who had already been living here. I was actually born in Campbell, which is near San Jose in South Bay. My parents ended up getting a house in Fremont shortly after I was born. The majority of my experiences were within Fremont up until I went away for college.
Q: Did your parents try to instill in you any important values and teachings from their cultural experiences that have shaped you who into you are today?
A: Hard work is definitely something that I learned from my parents. I was the first one to get a college degree in my family. My dad was a blue-collar worker, mostly working in construction or as a handyman. My mom was employed at a logistics company in Oakland where she worked her way up in the company. They both embodied a hard work ethic and strong character. My mom did not fit into the stereotype of the tiger mom. She always urged us to do our best and would reward us with affirmations when we did. That parenting approach does contribute to the amount of confidence I have in myself today. Someone who was also a big part of my life growing up was my grandma, my dad's mom. She looked after my brother and I when my parents were at work all the way until we went to junior high. Due to all of the time I spent with my grandma, I am fluent in Cantonese. That’s something I'm really proud of, and back then it was the start of becoming proud of my Asian identity.
Q: How did growing up in Fremont shape your cultural perspective?
A: There is a big Asian population here. My life was significantly shaped by environmental factors. I joke sometimes that I didn't even know I was Asian when I was a kid growing up here because I've always been in Asian spaces. It didn't occur to me what my ethnicity was, and I didn’t notice any representational issues.
Q: How did you navigate your Chinese upbringing while Western culture was more accepting of your sexual identity?
A: As a kid, part of me always knew that I liked guys. In elementary school, there were guys that I remember feeling for in a different way, but I never thought of it as a bad thing. I had never been exposed to homophobic guys. That was fortunate for me because it allowed me to feel like there was nothing wrong with me as a kid. When my mom would take us to the library, I would secretly get books from the teen section that were LGBT stories. Those books really helped me feel validated. In high school, I was never bullied for being gay. I do remember being teased sometimes for the way that I talked or because all my friends were girls. I definitely lied about my sexuality in high school because I knew there was the potential that I could get bullied or targeted. A part of me believes that I was able to have people think that it wasn't my sexuality that made me the way I am. I was just Asian. There’s sometimes a perception that Asian men tend to exhibit a lot more feminine characteristics in terms of personality, at least by Western standards. So I used that to my advantage.
I was able to work on myself behind closed doors, but I still don't think I ever thought that this aspect of my identity was ever a detriment to who I was as a person. Subconsciously, I associated gay culture with being a white experience because the characters in the books I was reading were all white. I went through this phase in junior high when I started to get really into Taiwanese dramas and Asian pop music. The experience of being Asian in Asia versus Asian in America is nuanced. However, starting to see people that look like me made me feel a connection to these dramas and pop stars. It was my early introduction to Asian representation in television and music.
“A part of me believes that I was able to have people think that it wasn't my sexuality that made me the way I am. I was just Asian. There’s sometimes a perception that Asian men tend to exhibit a lot more feminine characteristics in terms of personality, at least by Western standards. So I used that to my advantage.”
Q: Was coming out a gradual process for you, and what led you to open up about your sexuality?
A: When I was close to graduating high school, I started to come out to my close friends. I attended University of California, San Diego (UCSD) for college because I wanted to go further away from home to learn more about myself. At the beginning of college, I decided right off the bat to tell my suitemates that I was gay. Everyone was super open minded about it and it really shocked me - in a good way. After that first quarter, I was so empowered by these positive experiences of being authentically who I was.
I came out to my grandma, first. If she left this world without knowing the real me, that would make me sad. I visited her elderly home and told her in Cantonese. I said, “If I married a guy, would you come to the wedding?” She started laughing and said, “Yeah, I would come.” I was very surprised about how well it went. But then she called me one day when I was at home in my apartment. She asked if I remembered the conversation and said, “You really need to consider how your relatives are going to take it. Can you imagine how hard it's going to be on them?” She was giving me Asian guilt and told me I was being selfish. Her main concern was that I wouldn't be able to have kids of my own blood. She believed that kids of your own blood would take care of you better than adopted kids. I realized we had a huge cultural and generational gap.
I decided to call my mom next. I asked her to go on a walk with me around our neighborhood. I started with acknowledging how close our mother-son relationship was. I told her I was gay and this really upset her. She started asking all of these questions like, “Can you change?” and, “Are you sure it’s not just a phase and that you're not just trying to be different?” I was shocked, I was so naive. I assumed that my own mother would support me because she loves me. She was the first person who had ever visibly rejected that part of who I was, and it was my own mom. My feelings turned from being sad to being angry. She had told me not to tell other people and that she wasn't going to tell my dad in order to save face. All I knew was that it's out there now.
So, my job was done. I felt so empowered to the point where I was able to let go and accept that my mom was going to have to deal with it on her own time. My friends had become more of a chosen family and I knew that they would always be able to give me the kind of support my parents never could. When my dad talked to me about it, he said, “I don't completely agree with it,” and mentioned something about schools trying to teach kids to be gay. At least I knew where he stood, and I wasn’t getting kicked out of the house or the family, especially since family is such a central system in Chinese culture. Overall, I'm glad that I decided to come out at a young age, because I got it out of the way and now I don't have that burden over my head.
“She had told me not to tell other people and that she wasn't going to tell my dad in order to save face.”
Q: How did you start to learn about gay Asian stereotypes?
A: In college, I was already learning about what the gay Asian stereotype was. There were times where I did want to be part of the scene, or where I did want to have a group of good looking friends to go out with and get attention, but I realized it was because it was the only example that I knew. It was the most visible version of a gay lifestyle that I could aspire to be. Eventually, I moved to New York City to attend grad school. It was there where I met more gay Asian American friends. Through this friend group, I found out about an organization for gay Asian and Pacific Islander men. I went to their happy hours and eventually met the people on the board, who are also young, gay Asian professionals. I started getting involved volunteering, attending some of their talks that they would have around identity. It woke up something inside of me because in New York, Asians were not as predominant. I was very aware of my Asian identity at that point.
When I was in New York City, the scene that I mentioned was visible. I was starting to learn more about Asian fetishization and how we exist within the gay hierarchy. It did not align with my personal values or the kind of person I wanted to be. I don't want to judge the people that want that lifestyle, but I was really taking a firm stance on what I personally believed in by getting more involved politically. Since New York, I think I've become much more socially aware. Now, I want to be a mentor for younger gay Asian men. I want to give them the opportunity to understand that their – YOUR – identities can coexist, and that there are different ways to find personal empowerment that do not fit into Western ideals. My goal is to be an example to others and show them that what really matters is who you are as a person, and to not let anyone project their stereotypes onto you.
“Now, I want to be a mentor for younger gay Asian men. I want to give them the opportunity to understand that their – YOUR – identities can coexist, and that there are different ways to find personal empowerment that do not fit into Western ideals.”
Q: How would you say you have learned to manifest your coexisting identities?
A: Today, I'm very proud of my identity. When I became really upset during my coming out experience and wanted to stand firm in my personal beliefs, to me, it was the more Western and American parts of my perspective. I didn't fall for the shame or guilt that my grandma was trying to impose onto me. The whole idea of saving face is a very Chinese way of thinking. I don't want to live that way because I would be miserable all the time doing things for other people versus myself. I think there might be a lot of other Americans out there who don't or weren't able to put themselves first. I was lucky to grow up in a healthy family environment and have a solid friend group. A key foundation that I gained from my Asian culture was a community and strong family unit. Both of those spaces can coexist together. Intersectionality is complex when your ethnic community rejects your sexuality and people with your shared sexual identity can reject your race. You can find a way to be proud of both, and manifest it into whatever it is that you want to be.
“Intersectionality is complex when your ethnic community rejects your sexuality and people with your shared sexual identity can reject your race. You can find a way to be proud of both, and manifest it into whatever it is that you want to be.”
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MORE THAN ASIAN CREATIVE TEAM
MTA Creative Direction: Alex Hallmark
MTA Art Direction: Lawrence Ricardo
Shoot Concept: Angelina Hong and Kelly Luu
Photography: Kelly Luu
Story Editor: Jay Mehta